Broken - Leave The Pieces

"Oh Wind won't you sweep me up into the sky so I can get a better look at this life of mine?  Oh River won't you take me out into the sea so I can get a good look back at the land that grounds me?"
- Greg Laswell

Do you ever get the sensation that you're looking down upon your own life from an outside perspective?  Like you're floating above yourself watching your life play out with absolutely no say in what happens?  Completely disconnected from your own body?  And then suddenly you feel yourself snapped back into reality.  Now you have to fight like hell to fix the mess of a life you ended up with while your mind and soul were floating up in space.  Now you have to pick up all the broken pieces and put them back together, one by one.  The trouble is trying to figure out how all those pieces fit together - where they belong, or even if they belong at all.  Maybe the reason you broke in the first place was because there were some pieces that just didn't fit.  They off-set the delicate balance and sent everything crashing down.  So now you have to take control.  Take your time building yourself back up.  Choose the pieces carefully and don't force anything.  What's meant to be will be - that's destiny.  So let it guide you.  Don't resist.  Listen to your heart and listen to your soul.  It wil take time before you become completely whole again.  But when you are whole, this time it will be perfect.  No cracks, no gaps, no false appendages.  Smooth, solid, stable...you - each and every part of you working together as one unit, leading you through life with confidence, strength, and self-assurance.  All you have to do is pick up the pieces.

"I think you can't wait for someone else to fly underneath you and save your life.  I think you have to save yourself." - Meredith Grey

Body Image - I Blame Society

"Becoming the new feminine ideal requires just the right combination of insecurity, exercise, bulimia, and surgery." - G.B. Trudeau

"Every woman knows that, regardless of all her other achievements, she is a failure if she is not beautiful." - Germaine Greer

All women struggle with the concept of body image.  We are constantly looking for things to change (or that we wish we could change) in order to become thinner, prettier, sexier.  And until we can achieve at least one of these ideals, we are never going to be happy with ourselves.  Confidence is one of the most endearing traits a girl can possess.  But it's hard to be confident in your image when you feel so far away from the ideal that society has set - the foundation from which all judgment stems.  We try to obtain that ideal body image through natural approaches at first - eating healthy, exercising daily, portion control.  But sometimes it seems like you work so hard for such a minuscule turnaround.  We work out beyond the point of exhaustion - we push ourselves so hard that it becomes difficult to muster up the energy to continue as the days progress.  We practically starve ourselves until the day when we break from frustration and indulge in every fattening food we can lay our hands on, drowning our sorrows in the thing that is one of the primary causes of that sorrow in the first place.  So then we feel guilty and go back to beating ourselves up at the gym.  But the results always seem to stay the same - static progress.  So you begin thinking it's impossible to get that image that sits so clearly in your mind - at least not without some sort of intervention.  So we turn to the weight loss supplements and substances, we enhance our workout performance even more with metabolism boosters.  And sometimes, if we're really desperate enough, we may just cut off the parts we don't want, or artificially enhance the parts that we think need to be more pronounced.  We just want to be admired, to feel confident and strong, to look good and sexy in our own skin, to not be ashamed of our bodies and self-conscious showing them to others (or even to ourselves).  Why does that have to be such a hard thing to accomplish?  But an even better question is why does that have to be all that matters?  Why is that the basis of beauty?  A beautiful face does not necessarily reflect a beautiful mind.  A sexy body does not necessarily reflect a sexy soul.  Personality comes from what's inside.  Intelligence, altruism, affection, compassion, creativity, rationality, generosity...all of these things come from within.  No one is perfect.  We all have flaws.  Don't let society make you a slave to its standards.

Judgment, Judgment Everywhere

"Everyone's projecting onto you, or you feel like everyone is judging you.  I feel like I'm being judged a lot of the time.  You become really self-conscious." - Kate Moss

Just take a look around and you'll see that judgment is everywhere.  We judge people by the clothes they wear, the cars they drive, the food they eat, the color of their hair/skin, their sexual preferences; every movement we make, every word we speak, every breath we take is an opportunity for us to be judged.  We're judged and criticized to the point where we keep every thought to ourselves for fear of our ideas provoking a disapproving reaction - to the point where we second guess everything we do in life and we feel like nothing we do is ever good enough.  Because there is always at least one person who has to find fault in your choice or idea.  There's always that one person who can never just be happy and supportive of the choices you've made or thoughts you've expressed.  So instead you become inverted, silent, and hidden.  You allow yourself to blend into your surroundings and you undermine and undervalue your own opinions because that's what everyone else has always done in the past.  Your ideas and suggestions were always shut down, your jokes were never laughed at, your inspirations were found to be corny and unrealistic, your music was never cool enough.  Everything you did, everything you believed in - it was all wrong.  In the eyes of what seemed like the whole world it was wrong - you were wrong.  But in your eyes, everything was just right.  All of that music, all of those dreams and aspirations, all of your fashion and style - it made the world a better place for you.  They say people judge out of jealousy.  So the key is not to become self-conscious or insecure from the judgment you receive, but rather to embrace that judgment as an indication that you have everything all figured out and everyone else just wishes they had their shit together like you do.  So screw what everyone else thinks.  Make decisions for you.  Follow your heart, live your dreams, and be yourself.  No one else has to like or approve of your actions.  Be confident.  You only get one shot at life...live it for you.

Dark and Twisty

"You say you're all dark and twisty.  It's not a flaw, it's a strength.  It makes you who you are."
- Derek Shepherd

People automatically jump to darkness as a bad thing...where the monsters hide.  Like if you're not constantly smiling something must be wrong with you.  But to be honest, the world needs a little darkness, a little moodiness, a little attitude.  If everyone were happy, society wouldn't be able to function.  There needs to be a balance - light and dark, good and bad, happy and sad.  We all have our temporary moments of darkness and depression.  But maybe some people live in a world of darkness and depression with only temporary moments of joy and bliss.  Is that really so awful?  Perhaps some of us just prefer solitude.  We prefer a little darkness.  Maybe darkness is the wrong word and that's why such a personality is looked down upon - viewed as a problem that needs fixing.  "Edgy" seems like a better one.  There's nothing wrong with being a little edgy, a little unpredictable.  There's nothing wrong with being perky and bubbly.  And there's certainly nothing wrong with being dark and twisty.  Everyone has a different outlook on life and on the world.  Who's to say that any one of these views is better than the rest?  Whether you're bright and bubbly, angry and cynical, withdrawn and edgy, or dark and twisty - or any combination of these - the bottom line is you're you.  And these traits should not be looked upon as flaws, but rather embraced as qualities of uniqueness and originality.  It's what defines you.  So go ahead, be dark and twisty.  Screw the shiny happy people.  There's too much pressure to be a shiny happy person anyway.  Just be you.

Step Off

"You can't live your life for other people.  You've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some people you love." - The Notebook

Have you ever doubted yourself?  Or doubted a decision you were about to make?  Did you doubt yourself because something inside of you felt wrong...felt off?  Or did you doubt yourself because you were afraid that your decision might disappoint someone else - someone you respected and cared about?  Our lives are filled with decisions.  Every day, every minute, every second...we are constantly deciding what to do next.  But we are continually letting these decisions be influenced by other people. Sometimes we ask for the intervention - a second, or even third opinion.  Yet still other times people find it necessary to give their input when it was never asked for.  And for some reason they speak up more when their thoughts are in disagreement with our own...as if they feed off of the conflict.  And because we respect these people - because they have maintained such important roles in our lives - we have a tendency to let these opinions sway our decision-making process to the point where we experience so much internal conflict from wanting to follow our hearts, but at the same time not wanting to let down those that have so bluntly stated their disagreement.  So it's moments like this when we have to step up and say, "this is my life."  Each person is unique, and although we may develop certain special relationships with other individuals, we all hold our own beliefs and our own perspectives on life.  Each person has been blessed with their own life to do with that which they see fit.  Sometimes people just have to mind their own business and let others live their lives however they choose.  If you don't approve of a particular behavior, style, or trend no one says you have to participate.  If you don't like tattoos, don't get one.  If you don't find yourself attracted to people of the same sex, don't get intimately involved with one.  If you don't like a particular genre of music, don't listen to it.  But just because you don't like/approve of something doesn't mean everyone else has to share those same beliefs.  And it doesn't mean you should have the right to judge another person for a decision they have made, or would like to make, that you wouldn't make for yourself.  Get over yourself.  Stop trying to control the lives of everyone around you.  Just do you.  Live your life and let everyone else live theirs.

Dreaming To Survive

Have you ever sat curled up, blasting the saddest music you have, and just cried?  Cried because of everything.  Cried that no one cares, not even yourself.  You can't even muster the energy to care about anything anymore.  The life has virtually been sucked out of your every being.  Emotion and life, all gone from who you are.  You can't even remember the last time one of your smiles was genuine; when you were truly happy.  People become more and more awful and unbearable until solitude is the only comfort you have in the world.  Loneliness and music.  And sure, we could get poetic and talk about how depression is a healing process, and how things will always get better.  But let's cut the shit.  Things don't always get better.  A few inspirational words can't fix years of emotional damage.  Having company doesn't fix anything either...sometimes it just makes things worse, especially when you're surrounded by people who only pretend to give a shit about you.  They say a few kind words when your struggling becomes evident, but if they truly cared they wouldn't have let your struggles become this difficult to bear.  They would have caught it sooner, when the happy person you so vaguely remember being slowly started to disappear.  Now, you're just a ghost.  When you're alone with your thoughts it only makes you realize that more and more people are fake.  There comes a point when you can't even stand next to your parents without wanting to die.  When you can't trust anyone but yourself.  When you become your own best friend.  When everyone you know has betrayed you, and you simply can't trust anymore.  There comes a time when you grow up and grow out of the ignorance and blissful happiness - especially when you're stuck in a place that has absolutely nothing to offer you.  And there is nothing you can do about it - you're just stuck.  You hope that the world will pull through and provide you with the happiness you've dreamed of for so long but have been unable to obtain - the happiness you need in order to survive.  And you fear for the day when you realize the world isn't as wonderful as it seems, and all along you've dreamed up hopeless and unattainable fantasies.  You fear the day when you realize you will never be happy again.

You haven't quite given up hope yet though. You try hard everyday to look for something that will bring back that sparkle in your eye.  But when your days are filled with constant disappointment despite your efforts to appreciate the positive things in life, your mind becomes your only refuge.  If simply to prevent yourself from becoming cynical and cold-hearted, you let your mind run free creating scenarios of the perfect life.  Your heart swells with hope as you play out your future like a movie reel in your head.  The best thing about fantasy is that there is no disappointment.  Everything is created according to your ideals.  You've found the perfect love and that alone makes all of your worries fade away.  Any and all problems can be fixed with a gentle kiss or a soft touch.  You know that regardless of what life throws your way you will be okay just as long as that person never leaves your side.  In your fantasy you have everything you've ever wanted - Love, money, wealth, bliss, contentment.  Your style is everywhere around you - in your clothes, your home design, your spouse.  Everything is perfect and has turned out just according to plan.  Your every dream has come true.

The funny thing about fantasy though, is that we never play the part that describes how we managed to acquire all the wealth and good fortune that we find ourselves surrounded by.  We automatically skip over the hard work and rough times that we must have experienced along the way.  Because the truth of it is...life isn't easy.  Struggles and hardships are inevitable.  A person must experience misfortune before they can achieve fortune.  But how much misery can one person take before it starts to break them?  And how much damage can we undergo before it becomes irreversible?  It's times like this when I feel that only one thing can truly sweep in and save me, and that is love.  According to Plato's Symposium in Greek Mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and one head with two faces.  Zeus, fearing their power, split them into two separate beings, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.  Additionally, it was written that some of these humans consisted of two men, some of two women, and others of a man and a woman, which can serve as one explanation to the idea of homosexuality (but that's a whole other topic).  I believe that everyone has a soulmate somewhere in the world, and I believe that we will find that person eventually, if not in this lifetime then in another.  But I also feel that these soulmates are not easy to find.  So maybe we can't go searching for love, but instead we have to let love find us.  We leave it to intuition.  It will be unexpected and random.  Or maybe it will be someone we see everyday but just never took much notice of.  Either way I have to believe that at some point in time the right person will appear in our lives.

We do this with a lot of things actually - hope and believe that they will work out according to plan.  We have to believe.  Otherwise, what would we have to live for?  Our dreams are what drive us to venture out into the world.  To make something of ourselves.  To open up our hearts to the possibility that life will grant us our wishes and desires - that we will find what we've spent all our days searching for.  Dreaming is not a choice...it's a necessity.

"Instead we just keep smiling..."

"Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple - to be happy.  Maybe it's this expectation though of wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there.  Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to states of bliss, the more confused we get - to the point where we don't recognize ourselves.  Instead we just keep smiling, trying like hell to be the happy people we wish we were."       - Meredith Grey

We only get one shot at life, so it's understandable that we would have high expectations of what we want from the world.  Who we want to spend our lives with, what we want to spend them doing, where we want to live them, and perhaps most importantly how we want to live them.  These all seem like such important questions, and the failure to answer one of them correctly could result in a future far from that which we have dreamed.  We spend our lives constantly searching for the answers to these questions - hoping and praying that we answer correctly.  But the reality is that our lives are a series of trial and error attempts at happiness.  It's okay to answer incorrectly at times.  Life will take us where we need to be - that's destiny.

But what if we don't like our destiny?  What if our destiny does not include the happiness we continuously search for?  What if we never find that one person to complete us - our truly better half - the one person who just makes life easy?  What if all the things we expect from life never fall into place?  What if our expectations are simply too high?  What if...?

Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for something that is never going to happen.  But without it there is a void - deep in my soul something is missing.  Until I find whatever this missing piece of me is, I think I will alway feel a sense of disappointment.  So instead I'll just keep smiling, trying like hell to be the happy person I wish I was.  Until life can give me something better.