Have you ever sat curled up, blasting the saddest music you have, and just cried? Cried because of everything. Cried that no one cares, not even yourself. You can't even muster the energy to care about anything anymore. The life has virtually been sucked out of your every being. Emotion and life, all gone from who you are. You can't even remember the last time one of your smiles was genuine; when you were truly happy. People become more and more awful and unbearable until solitude is the only comfort you have in the world. Loneliness and music. And sure, we could get poetic and talk about how depression is a healing process, and how things will always get better. But let's cut the shit. Things don't always get better. A few inspirational words can't fix years of emotional damage. Having company doesn't fix anything either...sometimes it just makes things worse, especially when you're surrounded by people who only pretend to give a shit about you. They say a few kind words when your struggling becomes evident, but if they truly cared they wouldn't have let your struggles become this difficult to bear. They would have caught it sooner, when the happy person you so vaguely remember being slowly started to disappear. Now, you're just a ghost. When you're alone with your thoughts it only makes you realize that more and more people are fake. There comes a point when you can't even stand next to your parents without wanting to die. When you can't trust anyone but yourself. When you become your own best friend. When everyone you know has betrayed you, and you simply can't trust anymore. There comes a time when you grow up and grow out of the ignorance and blissful happiness - especially when you're stuck in a place that has absolutely nothing to offer you. And there is nothing you can do about it - you're just stuck. You hope that the world will pull through and provide you with the happiness you've dreamed of for so long but have been unable to obtain - the happiness you need in order to survive. And you fear for the day when you realize the world isn't as wonderful as it seems, and all along you've dreamed up hopeless and unattainable fantasies. You fear the day when you realize you will never be happy again.
You haven't quite given up hope yet though. You try hard everyday to look for something that will bring back that sparkle in your eye. But when your days are filled with constant disappointment despite your efforts to appreciate the positive things in life, your mind becomes your only refuge. If simply to prevent yourself from becoming cynical and cold-hearted, you let your mind run free creating scenarios of the perfect life. Your heart swells with hope as you play out your future like a movie reel in your head. The best thing about fantasy is that there is no disappointment. Everything is created according to your ideals. You've found the perfect love and that alone makes all of your worries fade away. Any and all problems can be fixed with a gentle kiss or a soft touch. You know that regardless of what life throws your way you will be okay just as long as that person never leaves your side. In your fantasy you have everything you've ever wanted - Love, money, wealth, bliss, contentment. Your style is everywhere around you - in your clothes, your home design, your spouse. Everything is perfect and has turned out just according to plan. Your every dream has come true.
The funny thing about fantasy though, is that we never play the part that describes how we managed to acquire all the wealth and good fortune that we find ourselves surrounded by. We automatically skip over the hard work and rough times that we must have experienced along the way. Because the truth of it is...life isn't easy. Struggles and hardships are inevitable. A person must experience misfortune before they can achieve fortune. But how much misery can one person take before it starts to break them? And how much damage can we undergo before it becomes irreversible? It's times like this when I feel that only one thing can truly sweep in and save me, and that is love. According to Plato's Symposium in Greek Mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and one head with two faces. Zeus, fearing their power, split them into two separate beings, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves. Additionally, it was written that some of these humans consisted of two men, some of two women, and others of a man and a woman, which can serve as one explanation to the idea of homosexuality (but that's a whole other topic). I believe that everyone has a soulmate somewhere in the world, and I believe that we will find that person eventually, if not in this lifetime then in another. But I also feel that these soulmates are not easy to find. So maybe we can't go searching for love, but instead we have to let love find us. We leave it to intuition. It will be unexpected and random. Or maybe it will be someone we see everyday but just never took much notice of. Either way I have to believe that at some point in time the right person will appear in our lives.
We do this with a lot of things actually - hope and believe that they will work out according to plan. We have to believe. Otherwise, what would we have to live for? Our dreams are what drive us to venture out into the world. To make something of ourselves. To open up our hearts to the possibility that life will grant us our wishes and desires - that we will find what we've spent all our days searching for. Dreaming is not a choice...it's a necessity.
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