Frozen Hearts

Do you ever get that feeling in the pit of your stomach?  You know, that feeling right before your first kiss, or when you know you're falling in love?  That feeling that tells you things are just...right?  But sometimes that feeling can be telling you the exact opposite.  Sometimes that feeling is a warning that something terrible and tragic is about to happen - or is already happening.  It's not a feeling of comfort and belonging, but rather a feeling of abandonment, loneliness, and hopelessness.  It literally knocks the wind out of you, making it difficult to breathe.

I think everyone tries their hardest to be strong in life for as long as possible.  But with time, willpower fades.  Every now and then we lose our grasp on that strength and allow it to slip through our fingers.  Depression.  Fear.  Weakness.  I think everyone experiences these things at least once in their lifetime.  But for some these feelings can be a repeated occurrence...struck day after day by life's disappointments.  The pain of life's burdens becomes too much for our hearts to bear.  Frozen in time you become incapable of moving forward - paralyzed.  You cry your eyes dry until you become void of emotion; numb.  All you can do is sit and stare blankly as the rest of the world passes you by.  And you don't care.  That's when you know you are truly broken; the moment when the ability to care about where life takes you has completely vanished.  The pain dulls, the tears dry up.  You're a ghost, no longer in control of your own body.  A different force takes ahold of you - something darker.  It's a force driven by pain...and sadness.  But you don't let it pull you down.  Instead, you use it to your advantage.  You let it fuel you - transform you into a different person.  One who will not have to feel pain again.

All those times in the past when you thought your heart was breaking - that the crack in it was growing with each singular tear that fell from your eyes...you were wrong.  Your heart was not breaking.  Rather, it was freezing.  And the moment you became truly "broken" was the moment when the ice sealed around your heart completely.  It froze - solid.  It stopped beating.  It became cold.

And so you stopped caring.  You lost your fire, your essence, your warmth.  And with that cold heart you began to see the world differently.  You began to hold a new perspective; one of darkness.  The only person you sought to please from that moment on was yourself.  You would live with this curse of hostility and resentment until the day when someone worthy and dedicated to melting your heart of ice came along.  But until that day you would live a life of solitude and malevolence - alone, trapped in the dungeons of your mind, seeking revenge wherever and whenever possible on all those who have wronged you.  Living this life void of compassion would keep you strong and spare you from the wretched pain you had let yourself endure for far too long.  It would make you feared...powerful.  But with power comes a new kind of pain...

You're My Person

Everyone needs a person.  Just one person who you can share your deepest and darkest secrets with and no matter what they'll still be there to support you.  Someone who won't go running every time you make a mistake.  Someone who won't put down your dreams and ideas no matter what they may be.  Someone who will listen to you in times of need as much as you know you'd be willing to listen to them.  Someone who understands you...maybe even better than you understand yourself.  Maybe this person will be a sibling, a husband/wife, a boyfriend/girlfriend, or maybe just a best friend.  But everyone needs a person.  Because I think if you don't have a person, you start to lose faith in yourself.  There is no one that you can fully trust, no one that you can share absolutely any information with - good or bad - without receiving judgment.  No one who knows when to talk, and when to just be there in silence.  Without our person, we have no one.  And until we can all find our person I think we become plagued with loneliness and insecurity.  Because we know deep inside that there must be something about us that manages to keep pushing everyone away.  And this feeling only gets worse as more and more people continue to disappear.  So for our own sanity, we need to find that one person who will never run away; who will never disappear, despite our greatest flaws, despite our past mistakes and even our future mistakes that are bound to come.  We need that person who isn't annoyed by our presence.  The person who looks forward to spending time with us.  The person who we can count on for anything and everything; who will sense when we're struggling and need help and will know what to do, rather than desert us because they don't want to be bothered.  We all just need a person.  I need a person.  Will somebody be my person already?!  

People Always Leave

"Do you ever wake up in the morning, realize nobody likes you and, I don't know...care??"
              -Izzie Stephens

You don't realize it until all of a sudden.  You think you have people in your life to support you and love you and be with you.  Then slowly they start to disappear, one by one.  Some of them leave by choice, like they couldn't get away fast enough.  Others leave because they have to, but it doesn't take long for them to realize they like their new life better anyway.  They make new friends, new memories, and they lose reason to keep in touch.  Their lives weren't anything special because of their knowing you, so they move on to that new place and leave you behind to navigate alone through your own cloud of misery.  And they never care to look back.  Still others stand directly in front of you, yet look right through you like you're a ghost in their ever-progressing lives while you're stuck in timeless space - trapped with no one to help you escape; no one to help you get through the days; no one to talk to or even listen to.  You are completely alone.  No one cares to confide in you or turn to you for advice, and no one cares enough to listen to your own troubles.  Or they pretend to care but then only judge you later on once you've spilled your deepest and most personal thoughts and secrets.  Everyone judges you - for the things you say, the way you act, the way you feel...even for the way you choose to express those feelings.  It's constant judgement from everyone all the time.  Inescapable.  Condescending.

All of this happens day by day, a little at a time until everyone has successfully managed to remove themselves from your life.  Until one morning you wake up and realize that your life is empty; void of any and all meaning and motivation.  You begin to lose any sense of purpose that you may have once had.  You lose reason to study, to diet and stay fit, to do anything really.  You lose it all because you realize that you have no one.  You don't know how it happened that you have no one...but you have no one.  So why bother?  Who is there to impress?  Who is there to compete with?  Who is there to love?  Who is there to live for?  The answer is no one.  The answer is always no one.  Because somehow you managed to become disliked by the world.  Everyone has deserted you.  Or maybe you've pushed them all away.      

What If...We Stop Asking 'What If?' ?

"Don't spend all your time wondering what you are, or who you like, or whether it's right for you or wrong for you.  Just let yourself be happy."
                  -Calliope Torres

People often have a tendency to over-think things in life.  It's human nature to concern yourself with the what-ifs...it's how we survive - planning ahead.  We tend to look beyond what is sitting right in front of us, always anticipating the future instead of focusing on the present.  When faced with a problem or a situation we always try to play out the prospective outcomes in our minds.  We try to determine whether the benefits will outweigh the consequences - whether the act will be "worth it" or not.  We are constantly debating with ourselves over that which we want to do (what our heart is telling us) and that which we think we should do (what our mind is telling us).  Sometimes we just have to let all of that go.  We have to live for the moment and just let life unfold in front of us.  Do what makes you happy in this moment because for all you know it could be your last.  Life always has a way of working itself out.  So take a chance.  It doesn't matter if you screw up, or humiliate yourself, or something just doesn't work out.  Because ultimately you will end up where you're destined to be.  So quit worrying so much about the consequences; about whether something is good or bad or right or wrong for you.  Just do what makes you happy and let life lead the way.  YOLO.  So take the chance.  Take the fall.  Risk yourself every now and again.  We can't wait around forever pondering the what-ifs.  Sometimes we need to just go for it.  And who knows?  Maybe one of those 'what-ifs' you were so fearful of will develop into something magical.  But you'll never know until you take the plunge.

We Can't All Be Shiny Happy People

Do you ever get the feeling that no one understands you?  Like just because everyone else is happy in life they think that you should be, too.  You try to explain to them why you're not - why you feel like you're slowly dying inside, suffocating with every breath you take.  You tell them how trapped you feel - how there is so much the world has to offer and you just can't reach any of it because you're living in a box (a cozy and familiar box, but a box nonetheless).  You tell them how lonely you feel, how confined and restricted with no one to help pass the time.  You tell them all of this and instead of offering words of understanding and encouragement that things will get better (because you know as well, deep in your heart, that things will get better...eventually - sometimes we just need a little reassurance), instead they try to force you to be happy where you are.  It's like discontentment is an alien concept for them to grasp.  How could anyone be so sad and morose in this beautiful, sunny world that we live in?  They are blind to the clouds rolling in over your head and the rain pelting down and stinging your skin.  They can't understand why you're always depressed, and they seem almost annoyed by it.  They try to tell you to enjoy what you have now - that you'll miss it later on.  How can anyone tell you what you will or will not miss in the future when every person is different?  Everyone else seems to think they know what's best for you.  They know where you need to live, what you need to eat, what you need to study.  They're always telling you what you "want" to do.  But really they have no idea what you want - and where do they get off on thinking they have the right to assume they do?  Hell, I don't even know what I want!

Sometimes we're just unhappy - with where we are in life and the people we have in our life.  And the only thing that can change that is time; time to bring about something new.  Nothing is automatic and sometimes we just have to wait it out.  And although we may acknowledge this fact, it doesn't make the waiting period any easier.  And the knowledge that things will be better in the future doesn't make the present any easier.  So it's unfair for those shiny happy people who have already reached the better days  to try to dictate our lives and force us to be happy.  It's not that simple.  They try to relate and they say they've been in your shoes once.  Maybe...but they've never been in your mind.  And until that day comes they cannot just come along and tell you how to feel.

Boundaries

Lying here in bed, staring at my closet doors which are covered with cityscape posters, it hits me just how big this world is.  We get so caught up in our individual day-to-day lives that our whole perception of the world automatically shrinks.  We become so absorbed in the tasks in front of us that we forget to take the time to stop and consider life beyond the boundaries of the fence that society keeps us trapped behind.  We spend our days as slaves to the clock - always rushing and scheduling and planning to meet its tick-tock of approval.  We book every minute of our lives with something that we feel will better us in some way.  Maybe the minutes are spent working to make money so we can provide for ourselves and improve our financial status.  Or maybe we meet up with friends and/or colleagues to maintain our social status.  Perhaps we spend the extra time at the gym to keep our physical figure healthy and in shape so we can hold onto any shred of self-confidence we have left, and gain an advantage in the competitive world of dating and romance.

There are so many things that we spend our time doing, but the one thing that I know for a fact we don't spend enough of our time doing...is appreciating - how vast the world is, how much it has to offer.  And most of all we don't take the time to appreciate the struggles that every single other human being on this planet is facing.  Instead we are too concerned with our own problems - which is only natural I suppose (survival of the fittest and all).  But seriously, how much more selfish could we be?  Even when we go out with friends, we say it's because we want to "catch up" and "see how they're doing".  Bullshit.  We just want someone to listen to our own grievances and to make us feel socially accepted and less alone in the world - ultimately it is ourselves that we are looking out for.

That's another thing - for a world with 7 billion people, there are far too many of us who are lonely.  I can't quite fathom how this is possible.  How can there be so many of us who feel like we have no one - like no one admires us - like all we do is manage to push people away - like we always say the wrong things - like we don't belong.  7 billion people.  And we can't find just one who actually wants to spend time with us?  Someone who, when they haven't heard from you in a few days, actually makes the effort to keep in touch?  Someone who admires you and appreciates not only your virtues, but your little quirks and faults as well?  Someone who will embrace the dark and twisty, rather than run from it?  Someone who can love you as a whole?  Maybe we just haven't looked hard and far enough yet.  Like I said, we don't realize just how massive this world is.  Maybe that person - your person - is in San Francisco, driving across the Golden Gate Bridge...right now...as I write this.  Or maybe in France - Paris - marveling beneath the awe-inspiring architecture of the Eiffel Tower.  Maybe in Seattle, overlooking the city from the top of the Space Needle.  Perhaps in Chicago, or Boston, or Sydney.  Or maybe even right here in New York.  But what does it take to find this person?  We can't all just pack up our lives and travel the world at our leisure.  Society has us too confined and restricted - suffocating our potential with its pillow of expectations.  We need money, we need foundation, we need responsibilities.  This is what society has taught us.  Happiness...comes last.  And desire...gets buried.  Think about it.  Do you realize how many of the things we do in life, we do out of society's requirement...because it is what is expected of us, and because it is what everyone else has done before us?  We are sheep...just following the flock.  We go to work day after day to perform a job that most of us hate.  Why?  Because we need the money and the opportunity was there.  And since we need money for everything - since it is urgent that we earn as much of it as we can in as short of a time frame as possible - we feel that we don't have the time to waste pursuing a career that we can truly enjoy.  We need the money that is fast and easy.

What else do we do for society? We go to school for years and years, wasting our lives away behind textbooks filled with information that crowds inside our brains for a semester and then immediately vanishes once the tests have been completed in order to make room for the next round of seemingly meaningless facts.  Why do we waste our time and money on information that is rarely retained?  Because society has taught us that without a college education, you are no one.  But wouldn't we be much better off if we could use all that wasted time and energy to venture out into the world and gain the knowledge and understanding we need through our own personal and physical experiences?  As a global population we could be so much more! - more cultured, more knowledgeable, more open-minded, ...more alive!  We all have dreams - to travel to certain places, to meet certain people, to live certain lives.  Maybe one day we'll find the place where dreams and reality collide.

Be Bold

"Don't we all want to be somebody different sometimes?  Someone smarter and sexier and bolder than we really are?" - Caroline Wexler

We all hold this self-deprecating image of ourselves.  Ever aware of our faults and failures, but never able to open our eyes and examine all of the good.  We are overly critical of the things we say, the way we look, and how we act around others.  We're constantly looking for that one-up that will land us respect and acceptance.  We say we want to be different...better.  So why aren't we?  After all, we are in control of ourselves - the words we speak, the way we dress, how we act.  So rather than sitting down and fantasizing about what you want it's time to get up and make it happen!  Let's go!!  If you want to be smarter and more educated, whether it's about politics, science, literature, or anything else - read more.  Read books, newspapers, articles.  And talk to people.  Go out there and learn through the knowledge and experiences of others, and you'll gain your own experience as a result.  Ask questions, be sociable and open to new ideas.  Explore the world in any way you can and absorb all that interests you.  Don't let social norms or stereotypes hold you back.  You can't live a full enough life when every step you take is one filled with caution and trepidation.  Be bold.  Take some risks.  Learn all that this world has to offer because there is a lot more out there beyond the limits of your own cultural perception.  Don't settle for well-enough.  If you're not happy, try something different.  Only then can you find your true calling.  Break out of your shell of insecurity and self-doubt and enrich your life with worldliness.  Take control and become the person you want to see - smarter, sexier, bolder.  The world is waiting...

Broken - Leave The Pieces

"Oh Wind won't you sweep me up into the sky so I can get a better look at this life of mine?  Oh River won't you take me out into the sea so I can get a good look back at the land that grounds me?"
- Greg Laswell

Do you ever get the sensation that you're looking down upon your own life from an outside perspective?  Like you're floating above yourself watching your life play out with absolutely no say in what happens?  Completely disconnected from your own body?  And then suddenly you feel yourself snapped back into reality.  Now you have to fight like hell to fix the mess of a life you ended up with while your mind and soul were floating up in space.  Now you have to pick up all the broken pieces and put them back together, one by one.  The trouble is trying to figure out how all those pieces fit together - where they belong, or even if they belong at all.  Maybe the reason you broke in the first place was because there were some pieces that just didn't fit.  They off-set the delicate balance and sent everything crashing down.  So now you have to take control.  Take your time building yourself back up.  Choose the pieces carefully and don't force anything.  What's meant to be will be - that's destiny.  So let it guide you.  Don't resist.  Listen to your heart and listen to your soul.  It wil take time before you become completely whole again.  But when you are whole, this time it will be perfect.  No cracks, no gaps, no false appendages.  Smooth, solid, stable...you - each and every part of you working together as one unit, leading you through life with confidence, strength, and self-assurance.  All you have to do is pick up the pieces.

"I think you can't wait for someone else to fly underneath you and save your life.  I think you have to save yourself." - Meredith Grey

Body Image - I Blame Society

"Becoming the new feminine ideal requires just the right combination of insecurity, exercise, bulimia, and surgery." - G.B. Trudeau

"Every woman knows that, regardless of all her other achievements, she is a failure if she is not beautiful." - Germaine Greer

All women struggle with the concept of body image.  We are constantly looking for things to change (or that we wish we could change) in order to become thinner, prettier, sexier.  And until we can achieve at least one of these ideals, we are never going to be happy with ourselves.  Confidence is one of the most endearing traits a girl can possess.  But it's hard to be confident in your image when you feel so far away from the ideal that society has set - the foundation from which all judgment stems.  We try to obtain that ideal body image through natural approaches at first - eating healthy, exercising daily, portion control.  But sometimes it seems like you work so hard for such a minuscule turnaround.  We work out beyond the point of exhaustion - we push ourselves so hard that it becomes difficult to muster up the energy to continue as the days progress.  We practically starve ourselves until the day when we break from frustration and indulge in every fattening food we can lay our hands on, drowning our sorrows in the thing that is one of the primary causes of that sorrow in the first place.  So then we feel guilty and go back to beating ourselves up at the gym.  But the results always seem to stay the same - static progress.  So you begin thinking it's impossible to get that image that sits so clearly in your mind - at least not without some sort of intervention.  So we turn to the weight loss supplements and substances, we enhance our workout performance even more with metabolism boosters.  And sometimes, if we're really desperate enough, we may just cut off the parts we don't want, or artificially enhance the parts that we think need to be more pronounced.  We just want to be admired, to feel confident and strong, to look good and sexy in our own skin, to not be ashamed of our bodies and self-conscious showing them to others (or even to ourselves).  Why does that have to be such a hard thing to accomplish?  But an even better question is why does that have to be all that matters?  Why is that the basis of beauty?  A beautiful face does not necessarily reflect a beautiful mind.  A sexy body does not necessarily reflect a sexy soul.  Personality comes from what's inside.  Intelligence, altruism, affection, compassion, creativity, rationality, generosity...all of these things come from within.  No one is perfect.  We all have flaws.  Don't let society make you a slave to its standards.

Judgment, Judgment Everywhere

"Everyone's projecting onto you, or you feel like everyone is judging you.  I feel like I'm being judged a lot of the time.  You become really self-conscious." - Kate Moss

Just take a look around and you'll see that judgment is everywhere.  We judge people by the clothes they wear, the cars they drive, the food they eat, the color of their hair/skin, their sexual preferences; every movement we make, every word we speak, every breath we take is an opportunity for us to be judged.  We're judged and criticized to the point where we keep every thought to ourselves for fear of our ideas provoking a disapproving reaction - to the point where we second guess everything we do in life and we feel like nothing we do is ever good enough.  Because there is always at least one person who has to find fault in your choice or idea.  There's always that one person who can never just be happy and supportive of the choices you've made or thoughts you've expressed.  So instead you become inverted, silent, and hidden.  You allow yourself to blend into your surroundings and you undermine and undervalue your own opinions because that's what everyone else has always done in the past.  Your ideas and suggestions were always shut down, your jokes were never laughed at, your inspirations were found to be corny and unrealistic, your music was never cool enough.  Everything you did, everything you believed in - it was all wrong.  In the eyes of what seemed like the whole world it was wrong - you were wrong.  But in your eyes, everything was just right.  All of that music, all of those dreams and aspirations, all of your fashion and style - it made the world a better place for you.  They say people judge out of jealousy.  So the key is not to become self-conscious or insecure from the judgment you receive, but rather to embrace that judgment as an indication that you have everything all figured out and everyone else just wishes they had their shit together like you do.  So screw what everyone else thinks.  Make decisions for you.  Follow your heart, live your dreams, and be yourself.  No one else has to like or approve of your actions.  Be confident.  You only get one shot at life...live it for you.

Dark and Twisty

"You say you're all dark and twisty.  It's not a flaw, it's a strength.  It makes you who you are."
- Derek Shepherd

People automatically jump to darkness as a bad thing...where the monsters hide.  Like if you're not constantly smiling something must be wrong with you.  But to be honest, the world needs a little darkness, a little moodiness, a little attitude.  If everyone were happy, society wouldn't be able to function.  There needs to be a balance - light and dark, good and bad, happy and sad.  We all have our temporary moments of darkness and depression.  But maybe some people live in a world of darkness and depression with only temporary moments of joy and bliss.  Is that really so awful?  Perhaps some of us just prefer solitude.  We prefer a little darkness.  Maybe darkness is the wrong word and that's why such a personality is looked down upon - viewed as a problem that needs fixing.  "Edgy" seems like a better one.  There's nothing wrong with being a little edgy, a little unpredictable.  There's nothing wrong with being perky and bubbly.  And there's certainly nothing wrong with being dark and twisty.  Everyone has a different outlook on life and on the world.  Who's to say that any one of these views is better than the rest?  Whether you're bright and bubbly, angry and cynical, withdrawn and edgy, or dark and twisty - or any combination of these - the bottom line is you're you.  And these traits should not be looked upon as flaws, but rather embraced as qualities of uniqueness and originality.  It's what defines you.  So go ahead, be dark and twisty.  Screw the shiny happy people.  There's too much pressure to be a shiny happy person anyway.  Just be you.

Step Off

"You can't live your life for other people.  You've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some people you love." - The Notebook

Have you ever doubted yourself?  Or doubted a decision you were about to make?  Did you doubt yourself because something inside of you felt wrong...felt off?  Or did you doubt yourself because you were afraid that your decision might disappoint someone else - someone you respected and cared about?  Our lives are filled with decisions.  Every day, every minute, every second...we are constantly deciding what to do next.  But we are continually letting these decisions be influenced by other people. Sometimes we ask for the intervention - a second, or even third opinion.  Yet still other times people find it necessary to give their input when it was never asked for.  And for some reason they speak up more when their thoughts are in disagreement with our own...as if they feed off of the conflict.  And because we respect these people - because they have maintained such important roles in our lives - we have a tendency to let these opinions sway our decision-making process to the point where we experience so much internal conflict from wanting to follow our hearts, but at the same time not wanting to let down those that have so bluntly stated their disagreement.  So it's moments like this when we have to step up and say, "this is my life."  Each person is unique, and although we may develop certain special relationships with other individuals, we all hold our own beliefs and our own perspectives on life.  Each person has been blessed with their own life to do with that which they see fit.  Sometimes people just have to mind their own business and let others live their lives however they choose.  If you don't approve of a particular behavior, style, or trend no one says you have to participate.  If you don't like tattoos, don't get one.  If you don't find yourself attracted to people of the same sex, don't get intimately involved with one.  If you don't like a particular genre of music, don't listen to it.  But just because you don't like/approve of something doesn't mean everyone else has to share those same beliefs.  And it doesn't mean you should have the right to judge another person for a decision they have made, or would like to make, that you wouldn't make for yourself.  Get over yourself.  Stop trying to control the lives of everyone around you.  Just do you.  Live your life and let everyone else live theirs.

Dreaming To Survive

Have you ever sat curled up, blasting the saddest music you have, and just cried?  Cried because of everything.  Cried that no one cares, not even yourself.  You can't even muster the energy to care about anything anymore.  The life has virtually been sucked out of your every being.  Emotion and life, all gone from who you are.  You can't even remember the last time one of your smiles was genuine; when you were truly happy.  People become more and more awful and unbearable until solitude is the only comfort you have in the world.  Loneliness and music.  And sure, we could get poetic and talk about how depression is a healing process, and how things will always get better.  But let's cut the shit.  Things don't always get better.  A few inspirational words can't fix years of emotional damage.  Having company doesn't fix anything either...sometimes it just makes things worse, especially when you're surrounded by people who only pretend to give a shit about you.  They say a few kind words when your struggling becomes evident, but if they truly cared they wouldn't have let your struggles become this difficult to bear.  They would have caught it sooner, when the happy person you so vaguely remember being slowly started to disappear.  Now, you're just a ghost.  When you're alone with your thoughts it only makes you realize that more and more people are fake.  There comes a point when you can't even stand next to your parents without wanting to die.  When you can't trust anyone but yourself.  When you become your own best friend.  When everyone you know has betrayed you, and you simply can't trust anymore.  There comes a time when you grow up and grow out of the ignorance and blissful happiness - especially when you're stuck in a place that has absolutely nothing to offer you.  And there is nothing you can do about it - you're just stuck.  You hope that the world will pull through and provide you with the happiness you've dreamed of for so long but have been unable to obtain - the happiness you need in order to survive.  And you fear for the day when you realize the world isn't as wonderful as it seems, and all along you've dreamed up hopeless and unattainable fantasies.  You fear the day when you realize you will never be happy again.

You haven't quite given up hope yet though. You try hard everyday to look for something that will bring back that sparkle in your eye.  But when your days are filled with constant disappointment despite your efforts to appreciate the positive things in life, your mind becomes your only refuge.  If simply to prevent yourself from becoming cynical and cold-hearted, you let your mind run free creating scenarios of the perfect life.  Your heart swells with hope as you play out your future like a movie reel in your head.  The best thing about fantasy is that there is no disappointment.  Everything is created according to your ideals.  You've found the perfect love and that alone makes all of your worries fade away.  Any and all problems can be fixed with a gentle kiss or a soft touch.  You know that regardless of what life throws your way you will be okay just as long as that person never leaves your side.  In your fantasy you have everything you've ever wanted - Love, money, wealth, bliss, contentment.  Your style is everywhere around you - in your clothes, your home design, your spouse.  Everything is perfect and has turned out just according to plan.  Your every dream has come true.

The funny thing about fantasy though, is that we never play the part that describes how we managed to acquire all the wealth and good fortune that we find ourselves surrounded by.  We automatically skip over the hard work and rough times that we must have experienced along the way.  Because the truth of it is...life isn't easy.  Struggles and hardships are inevitable.  A person must experience misfortune before they can achieve fortune.  But how much misery can one person take before it starts to break them?  And how much damage can we undergo before it becomes irreversible?  It's times like this when I feel that only one thing can truly sweep in and save me, and that is love.  According to Plato's Symposium in Greek Mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and one head with two faces.  Zeus, fearing their power, split them into two separate beings, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.  Additionally, it was written that some of these humans consisted of two men, some of two women, and others of a man and a woman, which can serve as one explanation to the idea of homosexuality (but that's a whole other topic).  I believe that everyone has a soulmate somewhere in the world, and I believe that we will find that person eventually, if not in this lifetime then in another.  But I also feel that these soulmates are not easy to find.  So maybe we can't go searching for love, but instead we have to let love find us.  We leave it to intuition.  It will be unexpected and random.  Or maybe it will be someone we see everyday but just never took much notice of.  Either way I have to believe that at some point in time the right person will appear in our lives.

We do this with a lot of things actually - hope and believe that they will work out according to plan.  We have to believe.  Otherwise, what would we have to live for?  Our dreams are what drive us to venture out into the world.  To make something of ourselves.  To open up our hearts to the possibility that life will grant us our wishes and desires - that we will find what we've spent all our days searching for.  Dreaming is not a choice...it's a necessity.

"Instead we just keep smiling..."

"Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple - to be happy.  Maybe it's this expectation though of wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there.  Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to states of bliss, the more confused we get - to the point where we don't recognize ourselves.  Instead we just keep smiling, trying like hell to be the happy people we wish we were."       - Meredith Grey

We only get one shot at life, so it's understandable that we would have high expectations of what we want from the world.  Who we want to spend our lives with, what we want to spend them doing, where we want to live them, and perhaps most importantly how we want to live them.  These all seem like such important questions, and the failure to answer one of them correctly could result in a future far from that which we have dreamed.  We spend our lives constantly searching for the answers to these questions - hoping and praying that we answer correctly.  But the reality is that our lives are a series of trial and error attempts at happiness.  It's okay to answer incorrectly at times.  Life will take us where we need to be - that's destiny.

But what if we don't like our destiny?  What if our destiny does not include the happiness we continuously search for?  What if we never find that one person to complete us - our truly better half - the one person who just makes life easy?  What if all the things we expect from life never fall into place?  What if our expectations are simply too high?  What if...?

Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for something that is never going to happen.  But without it there is a void - deep in my soul something is missing.  Until I find whatever this missing piece of me is, I think I will alway feel a sense of disappointment.  So instead I'll just keep smiling, trying like hell to be the happy person I wish I was.  Until life can give me something better.

Something To Think About

"Be very careful of what you think.  Your thoughts run your life."

It's true.  As much as sometimes we'd like to escape from our thoughts, we can't.  They are inescapable.  They follow us everywhere we go.  They're with us in everything we do - when we wake up in the morning, while we eat, while we write, while we sit and stare out the rain-washed window on a dreary day.  They're even with us while we sleep, formulating themselves into vivid picture images we call dreams.  Our thoughts are the truest representation of ourselves - of who we are.  We can put on a brave face for the rest of the world to see, but our thoughts will always be an endless reminder of how we truly feel and of what we truly desire.

No one else has to know these things.  No one else has to understand.  But that's why they're thoughts - kept in the confidentiality of our own minds.  Sometimes we may choose to express some of these thoughts, subjecting them to the criticisms of others.  Sometimes we drive ourselves insane trying desperately to decode our own thoughts, let alone those of someone else.  It's hard to understand why often times we have trouble understanding our own musings.  After all, they are our own creation - who better to understand something than its creator?  But even when we believe we finally have everything figured out and all of our thoughts have been organized and structured, when all seems to be right in the world and we have no reason to doubt or question even a fraction of a thought, when we believe we may have finally found ourselves - life throws us another curveball.  And once again we are back to where we started - confused and questioning, struggling under the weight of our prospects and conceptions.  So as much as we may try to reign them in, our thoughts will forever run free and rampant, taking our minds and spirits to sometimes the most unimaginable of places.

Quantity or Quality?

One of the topics that always seems to arise during "discussions" with my father, is our differing opinions on school and education.  Although we both agree that a solid college education is important, our viewpoints on the type of education one should strive for differs dramatically.  I have always been an A+ student, from Kindergarden all the way through my senior year of high school.  Academics were important to me, and to be honest I was good at it!  My good grades came naturally, without much extra effort or frenzied studying required.  Now that's not to say I didn't bust my ass in high school.  I took every AP and IB class available.  I even graduated with a full IB diploma (if you don't know what that is, look it up because I don't feel like sidetracking from my rant to explain it).  Bottom line is, I was the quintessential hard-working, top of the class, student-athlete.  With such a reputation it was assumed that I would go off to a real pretentious big-bucks, big-name university...and I wanted that for myself.  My top-choice school was Penn State University.  I applied...I was accepted!  So here I was, graduating from high school with the highest level diploma possible, accepted into Penn State University, excited to further my academic career and move on to bigger and better things with my life.  Sounds like any 18-year old girl's dream, right?

Now enters my father - traditional, conservative, stubborn.  For him, the best way is the cheapest way.  Everything is about money, and every decision he makes is whichever is the most economically sound at the time.  So naturally when the time came for me to start thinking about college, the fiscally-oiled wheels of manipulation started turning in his head.  I already told ya'll what my plans/intentions were.  His argument: "Go to community college for 2 years to save money.  You're basically taking the same classes the first two years at a 4-year university anyway, this will just be cheaper.  Then after your 2 years at community college transfer over to the 4-year school of your choice."  Now I like to think of myself as a reasonable human being, so I listened to his proposition and considered the high points.  I was reluctant in taking his advice because I felt like community college would be a step down from where I had already carried myself academically.  Junior college - it's like the 13th and 14th grade.  I wanted more for myself than that.  I deserved more for myself than that.  But a lot of what he was telling me made sense (although in retrospect I know now that this is because my father has an uncanny way with persuasion and I was too naive to see it and stand my ground).  So off to junior college I went (with my head hung low because the question of the year when you graduate from high school is, "Where are you going to college?" And when the words Community College came out of my mouth instead of some big prestigious name, people would give me a look of disbelief followed by a confused, "Really?" Yeah...didn't help much).  Despite the skepticism, I hoped for the best and off I went.  Let me tell you it was the worst. year. of. my. life. (luckily it was only a year because I had worked hard enough in high school to earn enough college credits to knock off a year).  The classes were a joke, the professors were a joke, the people there were a joke.  Yet my grades managed to slip below that which I was capable of achieving because I lost my motivation to succeed.  I didn't care.  I hated being stuck in this too-small town while all of my friends were off having a blast and making new friends at the colleges of their choices.  I was depressed beyond belief, I couldn't find a job so I had to depend upon my parents for everything (and they're the type that tend to invoke a feeling of guilt for all they provide).  So all of this heartache and hardship and bullshit for what?  To save a couple bucks?  Now, living in the world we do today where the economy is basically shit, I understand that saving money is important...but at what personal and emotional cost?

I stuck it out and when the time came I started sending in the applications to transfer schools: Johns Hopkins University, Bucknell University, University of Florida, and George Mason University - all schools that offer a bachelors of science (B.S.) degree in neuroscience.  Once again, I was excited.  I was done with community college, I saved a little bit of money, but now it was time for me to finally get my shot.  New city, new friends, and a good quality education in a field of complete and absolute interest to me.  But the transfer never happened.  Once again, enter father stage left to fuck with lead character's life some more.  At this point, loans were inevitable.  All of the colleges I had applied to were too expensive to pay for out-of-pocket.  But my parents refused to help me with the finances and actually stated point blank, "We will not give you any financial support unless you go to a state school."  I have nothing against state schools, but none of them offered a degree in my curriculum of choice.  My father said to me, "Why does it have to be neuroscience?  We can't afford it, so you're going to have to settle for a degree in biology or something similar."  But that's the problem...I shouldn't have to settle.  Settling leads to regret, and ultimately failure.  I knew that if I pursued a degree in biology that there would be too many classes that would cause me to want to blow my brains out.  But the neuroscience coursework in comparison...I looked at those course descriptions and every single one of them I was like "Get me in!!!!"  I was excited, and I was inspired!  Neuroscience is something that I felt passionate about.  And I think that's what this all comes down to - passion.  If you are passionate about something and you have the opportunity to go after it, then you do it.  You don't push it aside or put it off for something less than.  Even if it means you have to make a sacrifice for it, whether it's a financial sacrifice, or a material sacrifice, or anything else.  If I have to put myself in debt for the rest of my life in order to afford an education that is meaningful to me, then by all means that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.  I want an education that will increase my knowledge-base...and stick.  I want to go to classes because I want to go to classes.  Because I want to learn that which another human being has the passion to teach me.  An education that will carry me to monumental success in my future.  You just don't get any of that at a community college.

In my opinion, community college is not a place for saving money.  It is not a stepping stone.  Community college is a place for those who honestly don't know where they want to take their lives beyond high school, but are still motivated to take it somewhere - for those still trying to figure it out.  It is not a place for those with bounding academic skills, eager and anxious to further their educational experiences.  It does not offer a high enough quality of education, hence why it's so cheap.  There is a reason that prestigious schools are so expensive.  You get what you pay for.  If you know what you want to do, where you want to go...if you have a plan...then you proceed with that plan and you don't look back.  Because if you stop - if you modify that plan and simplify it due to a secondary factor such as money - you'll never end up where you want to be.  Money is not everything, and you cannot put a price on education, nor desire, nor the will and passion to strive for excellence and ultimately succeed!  Quality...not quantity.