Frozen Hearts

Do you ever get that feeling in the pit of your stomach?  You know, that feeling right before your first kiss, or when you know you're falling in love?  That feeling that tells you things are just...right?  But sometimes that feeling can be telling you the exact opposite.  Sometimes that feeling is a warning that something terrible and tragic is about to happen - or is already happening.  It's not a feeling of comfort and belonging, but rather a feeling of abandonment, loneliness, and hopelessness.  It literally knocks the wind out of you, making it difficult to breathe.

I think everyone tries their hardest to be strong in life for as long as possible.  But with time, willpower fades.  Every now and then we lose our grasp on that strength and allow it to slip through our fingers.  Depression.  Fear.  Weakness.  I think everyone experiences these things at least once in their lifetime.  But for some these feelings can be a repeated occurrence...struck day after day by life's disappointments.  The pain of life's burdens becomes too much for our hearts to bear.  Frozen in time you become incapable of moving forward - paralyzed.  You cry your eyes dry until you become void of emotion; numb.  All you can do is sit and stare blankly as the rest of the world passes you by.  And you don't care.  That's when you know you are truly broken; the moment when the ability to care about where life takes you has completely vanished.  The pain dulls, the tears dry up.  You're a ghost, no longer in control of your own body.  A different force takes ahold of you - something darker.  It's a force driven by pain...and sadness.  But you don't let it pull you down.  Instead, you use it to your advantage.  You let it fuel you - transform you into a different person.  One who will not have to feel pain again.

All those times in the past when you thought your heart was breaking - that the crack in it was growing with each singular tear that fell from your eyes...you were wrong.  Your heart was not breaking.  Rather, it was freezing.  And the moment you became truly "broken" was the moment when the ice sealed around your heart completely.  It froze - solid.  It stopped beating.  It became cold.

And so you stopped caring.  You lost your fire, your essence, your warmth.  And with that cold heart you began to see the world differently.  You began to hold a new perspective; one of darkness.  The only person you sought to please from that moment on was yourself.  You would live with this curse of hostility and resentment until the day when someone worthy and dedicated to melting your heart of ice came along.  But until that day you would live a life of solitude and malevolence - alone, trapped in the dungeons of your mind, seeking revenge wherever and whenever possible on all those who have wronged you.  Living this life void of compassion would keep you strong and spare you from the wretched pain you had let yourself endure for far too long.  It would make you feared...powerful.  But with power comes a new kind of pain...

You're My Person

Everyone needs a person.  Just one person who you can share your deepest and darkest secrets with and no matter what they'll still be there to support you.  Someone who won't go running every time you make a mistake.  Someone who won't put down your dreams and ideas no matter what they may be.  Someone who will listen to you in times of need as much as you know you'd be willing to listen to them.  Someone who understands you...maybe even better than you understand yourself.  Maybe this person will be a sibling, a husband/wife, a boyfriend/girlfriend, or maybe just a best friend.  But everyone needs a person.  Because I think if you don't have a person, you start to lose faith in yourself.  There is no one that you can fully trust, no one that you can share absolutely any information with - good or bad - without receiving judgment.  No one who knows when to talk, and when to just be there in silence.  Without our person, we have no one.  And until we can all find our person I think we become plagued with loneliness and insecurity.  Because we know deep inside that there must be something about us that manages to keep pushing everyone away.  And this feeling only gets worse as more and more people continue to disappear.  So for our own sanity, we need to find that one person who will never run away; who will never disappear, despite our greatest flaws, despite our past mistakes and even our future mistakes that are bound to come.  We need that person who isn't annoyed by our presence.  The person who looks forward to spending time with us.  The person who we can count on for anything and everything; who will sense when we're struggling and need help and will know what to do, rather than desert us because they don't want to be bothered.  We all just need a person.  I need a person.  Will somebody be my person already?!  

People Always Leave

"Do you ever wake up in the morning, realize nobody likes you and, I don't know...care??"
              -Izzie Stephens

You don't realize it until all of a sudden.  You think you have people in your life to support you and love you and be with you.  Then slowly they start to disappear, one by one.  Some of them leave by choice, like they couldn't get away fast enough.  Others leave because they have to, but it doesn't take long for them to realize they like their new life better anyway.  They make new friends, new memories, and they lose reason to keep in touch.  Their lives weren't anything special because of their knowing you, so they move on to that new place and leave you behind to navigate alone through your own cloud of misery.  And they never care to look back.  Still others stand directly in front of you, yet look right through you like you're a ghost in their ever-progressing lives while you're stuck in timeless space - trapped with no one to help you escape; no one to help you get through the days; no one to talk to or even listen to.  You are completely alone.  No one cares to confide in you or turn to you for advice, and no one cares enough to listen to your own troubles.  Or they pretend to care but then only judge you later on once you've spilled your deepest and most personal thoughts and secrets.  Everyone judges you - for the things you say, the way you act, the way you feel...even for the way you choose to express those feelings.  It's constant judgement from everyone all the time.  Inescapable.  Condescending.

All of this happens day by day, a little at a time until everyone has successfully managed to remove themselves from your life.  Until one morning you wake up and realize that your life is empty; void of any and all meaning and motivation.  You begin to lose any sense of purpose that you may have once had.  You lose reason to study, to diet and stay fit, to do anything really.  You lose it all because you realize that you have no one.  You don't know how it happened that you have no one...but you have no one.  So why bother?  Who is there to impress?  Who is there to compete with?  Who is there to love?  Who is there to live for?  The answer is no one.  The answer is always no one.  Because somehow you managed to become disliked by the world.  Everyone has deserted you.  Or maybe you've pushed them all away.      

What If...We Stop Asking 'What If?' ?

"Don't spend all your time wondering what you are, or who you like, or whether it's right for you or wrong for you.  Just let yourself be happy."
                  -Calliope Torres

People often have a tendency to over-think things in life.  It's human nature to concern yourself with the what-ifs...it's how we survive - planning ahead.  We tend to look beyond what is sitting right in front of us, always anticipating the future instead of focusing on the present.  When faced with a problem or a situation we always try to play out the prospective outcomes in our minds.  We try to determine whether the benefits will outweigh the consequences - whether the act will be "worth it" or not.  We are constantly debating with ourselves over that which we want to do (what our heart is telling us) and that which we think we should do (what our mind is telling us).  Sometimes we just have to let all of that go.  We have to live for the moment and just let life unfold in front of us.  Do what makes you happy in this moment because for all you know it could be your last.  Life always has a way of working itself out.  So take a chance.  It doesn't matter if you screw up, or humiliate yourself, or something just doesn't work out.  Because ultimately you will end up where you're destined to be.  So quit worrying so much about the consequences; about whether something is good or bad or right or wrong for you.  Just do what makes you happy and let life lead the way.  YOLO.  So take the chance.  Take the fall.  Risk yourself every now and again.  We can't wait around forever pondering the what-ifs.  Sometimes we need to just go for it.  And who knows?  Maybe one of those 'what-ifs' you were so fearful of will develop into something magical.  But you'll never know until you take the plunge.

We Can't All Be Shiny Happy People

Do you ever get the feeling that no one understands you?  Like just because everyone else is happy in life they think that you should be, too.  You try to explain to them why you're not - why you feel like you're slowly dying inside, suffocating with every breath you take.  You tell them how trapped you feel - how there is so much the world has to offer and you just can't reach any of it because you're living in a box (a cozy and familiar box, but a box nonetheless).  You tell them how lonely you feel, how confined and restricted with no one to help pass the time.  You tell them all of this and instead of offering words of understanding and encouragement that things will get better (because you know as well, deep in your heart, that things will get better...eventually - sometimes we just need a little reassurance), instead they try to force you to be happy where you are.  It's like discontentment is an alien concept for them to grasp.  How could anyone be so sad and morose in this beautiful, sunny world that we live in?  They are blind to the clouds rolling in over your head and the rain pelting down and stinging your skin.  They can't understand why you're always depressed, and they seem almost annoyed by it.  They try to tell you to enjoy what you have now - that you'll miss it later on.  How can anyone tell you what you will or will not miss in the future when every person is different?  Everyone else seems to think they know what's best for you.  They know where you need to live, what you need to eat, what you need to study.  They're always telling you what you "want" to do.  But really they have no idea what you want - and where do they get off on thinking they have the right to assume they do?  Hell, I don't even know what I want!

Sometimes we're just unhappy - with where we are in life and the people we have in our life.  And the only thing that can change that is time; time to bring about something new.  Nothing is automatic and sometimes we just have to wait it out.  And although we may acknowledge this fact, it doesn't make the waiting period any easier.  And the knowledge that things will be better in the future doesn't make the present any easier.  So it's unfair for those shiny happy people who have already reached the better days  to try to dictate our lives and force us to be happy.  It's not that simple.  They try to relate and they say they've been in your shoes once.  Maybe...but they've never been in your mind.  And until that day comes they cannot just come along and tell you how to feel.

Boundaries

Lying here in bed, staring at my closet doors which are covered with cityscape posters, it hits me just how big this world is.  We get so caught up in our individual day-to-day lives that our whole perception of the world automatically shrinks.  We become so absorbed in the tasks in front of us that we forget to take the time to stop and consider life beyond the boundaries of the fence that society keeps us trapped behind.  We spend our days as slaves to the clock - always rushing and scheduling and planning to meet its tick-tock of approval.  We book every minute of our lives with something that we feel will better us in some way.  Maybe the minutes are spent working to make money so we can provide for ourselves and improve our financial status.  Or maybe we meet up with friends and/or colleagues to maintain our social status.  Perhaps we spend the extra time at the gym to keep our physical figure healthy and in shape so we can hold onto any shred of self-confidence we have left, and gain an advantage in the competitive world of dating and romance.

There are so many things that we spend our time doing, but the one thing that I know for a fact we don't spend enough of our time doing...is appreciating - how vast the world is, how much it has to offer.  And most of all we don't take the time to appreciate the struggles that every single other human being on this planet is facing.  Instead we are too concerned with our own problems - which is only natural I suppose (survival of the fittest and all).  But seriously, how much more selfish could we be?  Even when we go out with friends, we say it's because we want to "catch up" and "see how they're doing".  Bullshit.  We just want someone to listen to our own grievances and to make us feel socially accepted and less alone in the world - ultimately it is ourselves that we are looking out for.

That's another thing - for a world with 7 billion people, there are far too many of us who are lonely.  I can't quite fathom how this is possible.  How can there be so many of us who feel like we have no one - like no one admires us - like all we do is manage to push people away - like we always say the wrong things - like we don't belong.  7 billion people.  And we can't find just one who actually wants to spend time with us?  Someone who, when they haven't heard from you in a few days, actually makes the effort to keep in touch?  Someone who admires you and appreciates not only your virtues, but your little quirks and faults as well?  Someone who will embrace the dark and twisty, rather than run from it?  Someone who can love you as a whole?  Maybe we just haven't looked hard and far enough yet.  Like I said, we don't realize just how massive this world is.  Maybe that person - your person - is in San Francisco, driving across the Golden Gate Bridge...right now...as I write this.  Or maybe in France - Paris - marveling beneath the awe-inspiring architecture of the Eiffel Tower.  Maybe in Seattle, overlooking the city from the top of the Space Needle.  Perhaps in Chicago, or Boston, or Sydney.  Or maybe even right here in New York.  But what does it take to find this person?  We can't all just pack up our lives and travel the world at our leisure.  Society has us too confined and restricted - suffocating our potential with its pillow of expectations.  We need money, we need foundation, we need responsibilities.  This is what society has taught us.  Happiness...comes last.  And desire...gets buried.  Think about it.  Do you realize how many of the things we do in life, we do out of society's requirement...because it is what is expected of us, and because it is what everyone else has done before us?  We are sheep...just following the flock.  We go to work day after day to perform a job that most of us hate.  Why?  Because we need the money and the opportunity was there.  And since we need money for everything - since it is urgent that we earn as much of it as we can in as short of a time frame as possible - we feel that we don't have the time to waste pursuing a career that we can truly enjoy.  We need the money that is fast and easy.

What else do we do for society? We go to school for years and years, wasting our lives away behind textbooks filled with information that crowds inside our brains for a semester and then immediately vanishes once the tests have been completed in order to make room for the next round of seemingly meaningless facts.  Why do we waste our time and money on information that is rarely retained?  Because society has taught us that without a college education, you are no one.  But wouldn't we be much better off if we could use all that wasted time and energy to venture out into the world and gain the knowledge and understanding we need through our own personal and physical experiences?  As a global population we could be so much more! - more cultured, more knowledgeable, more open-minded, ...more alive!  We all have dreams - to travel to certain places, to meet certain people, to live certain lives.  Maybe one day we'll find the place where dreams and reality collide.

Be Bold

"Don't we all want to be somebody different sometimes?  Someone smarter and sexier and bolder than we really are?" - Caroline Wexler

We all hold this self-deprecating image of ourselves.  Ever aware of our faults and failures, but never able to open our eyes and examine all of the good.  We are overly critical of the things we say, the way we look, and how we act around others.  We're constantly looking for that one-up that will land us respect and acceptance.  We say we want to be different...better.  So why aren't we?  After all, we are in control of ourselves - the words we speak, the way we dress, how we act.  So rather than sitting down and fantasizing about what you want it's time to get up and make it happen!  Let's go!!  If you want to be smarter and more educated, whether it's about politics, science, literature, or anything else - read more.  Read books, newspapers, articles.  And talk to people.  Go out there and learn through the knowledge and experiences of others, and you'll gain your own experience as a result.  Ask questions, be sociable and open to new ideas.  Explore the world in any way you can and absorb all that interests you.  Don't let social norms or stereotypes hold you back.  You can't live a full enough life when every step you take is one filled with caution and trepidation.  Be bold.  Take some risks.  Learn all that this world has to offer because there is a lot more out there beyond the limits of your own cultural perception.  Don't settle for well-enough.  If you're not happy, try something different.  Only then can you find your true calling.  Break out of your shell of insecurity and self-doubt and enrich your life with worldliness.  Take control and become the person you want to see - smarter, sexier, bolder.  The world is waiting...